[is it like] buried treasure

April 22, 2008

i am not entirely sure where this post is going.

all day i anticipated going to hear bishop tom wright speak at a local church. literally, it was like 1 mile from my apartment. i have dipped into some of his theological works and read a couple of his books. i consider him [along with rob bell and brian mclaren, among others who may not be as notable] to be hugely influential during ’05-’07 which is basically what i’d refer to as a long season of re-forming and disillusionment in my life… i am not quite sure its over [is it ever?].

it was a different experience for me, the lecture. i still scribbled notes furiously, but in times passed i’ve been to these events with friends or colleagues who equally share in my excitement for going. instead, i found myself entering the church alone, squeezing my way into the third row, wishing i knew someone i could share the moment with. i noticed younger people [mostly guys, of course] coming in. they all seemed like students and i instantly felt nostalgia. i miss learning and being in that type of community with others. i miss it a lot more than i realized.

i gave up on the idea of more theological education for all sorts of pragmatic, realistic reasons. but every so often, i wonder what it would have been like.

i left after getting a book signed. he must’ve thought i made my name up because i had to spell it for him several times 🙂 i was at a stop sign and a professor from my college walked by. in my excitement, i stupidly got out of my car and said hello to him. the conversation was short [being that it was at an intersection and i noticed lights approaching] but i managed to tell him i was back home and working two jobs “trying to figure it out.”

everything has just happened so differently than i expected.

i still resonate with so much of Jesus’ teachings but my ability to relate to followers is just different. the best way i can explain it is that i feel like more of an outsider/spectator than an insider/participant. it isn’t that i feel ostracized or that anyone has done anything to make me feel this way. its just that i don’t feel like i am a part of anything anymore.

i read this out of one of frederick buechner’s books today at a used book store i wandered into:

“don’t start looking in the Bible for the answers it gives. start by looking for the questions it asks. to lose track of such questions [regarding meaning, purpose, value] is to risk losing sight of who we really are in our depths and where we are really going.”

its been at least a year of feeling this way. i won’t tell what i wished for on my birthday. but lets just say it wasn’t for things to stay the same.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “[is it like] buried treasure”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Lacey,

    I totally know how you feel and have been feeling a lot like that lately.

    Hey you should sign up for a facebook account… both Tiff and I are on it.

    – Isaac Bubna

  2. Jeffrey Says:

    “don’t start looking in the Bible for the answers it gives. start by looking for the questions it asks. to lose track of such questions [regarding meaning, purpose, value] is to risk losing sight of who we really are in our depths and where we are really going.”

    i like that.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: