It is about darn time, Nashville.
Archive for April, 2008
i’m not saying that i am entirely in the same situation. but i understand where you are coming from and find myself asking questions of a similar nature.
its GMA week here in nashville so its a given that there will be some famous faces appearing around town. personally, i try to leave celebrities alone when i see them… fans are just really annoying some times. however, when a member of switchfoot came in to Crema today, i sort of inwardly freaked out.
i hope he didn’t think i was staring. [unfortunately, i was. just a little.]
i am not entirely sure where this post is going.
all day i anticipated going to hear bishop tom wright speak at a local church. literally, it was like 1 mile from my apartment. i have dipped into some of his theological works and read a couple of his books. i consider him [along with rob bell and brian mclaren, among others who may not be as notable] to be hugely influential during ’05-’07 which is basically what i’d refer to as a long season of re-forming and disillusionment in my life… i am not quite sure its over [is it ever?].
it was a different experience for me, the lecture. i still scribbled notes furiously, but in times passed i’ve been to these events with friends or colleagues who equally share in my excitement for going. instead, i found myself entering the church alone, squeezing my way into the third row, wishing i knew someone i could share the moment with. i noticed younger people [mostly guys, of course] coming in. they all seemed like students and i instantly felt nostalgia. i miss learning and being in that type of community with others. i miss it a lot more than i realized.
i gave up on the idea of more theological education for all sorts of pragmatic, realistic reasons. but every so often, i wonder what it would have been like.
i left after getting a book signed. he must’ve thought i made my name up because i had to spell it for him several times 🙂 i was at a stop sign and a professor from my college walked by. in my excitement, i stupidly got out of my car and said hello to him. the conversation was short [being that it was at an intersection and i noticed lights approaching] but i managed to tell him i was back home and working two jobs “trying to figure it out.”
everything has just happened so differently than i expected.
i still resonate with so much of Jesus’ teachings but my ability to relate to followers is just different. the best way i can explain it is that i feel like more of an outsider/spectator than an insider/participant. it isn’t that i feel ostracized or that anyone has done anything to make me feel this way. its just that i don’t feel like i am a part of anything anymore.
i read this out of one of frederick buechner’s books today at a used book store i wandered into:
“don’t start looking in the Bible for the answers it gives. start by looking for the questions it asks. to lose track of such questions [regarding meaning, purpose, value] is to risk losing sight of who we really are in our depths and where we are really going.”
its been at least a year of feeling this way. i won’t tell what i wished for on my birthday. but lets just say it wasn’t for things to stay the same.
i am: always re-inventing myself.
i think: all the time.
i know: that i gave up on trying to know so much.
i want: to set some goals for the rest of this year [how i hate goals].
i have: developed a fear of dairy products.
i wish: for a transcendent experience.
i hate: miscommunication.
i miss: feeling understood. and understanding, in general.
i fear: that i will not figure it out.
i feel: worn out.
i hear: only the sound of my typing.
i smell: the bean soup i am eating.
i crave: carbs. always.
i search: google for all my inquisitions [more recently, vegan baking].
i wonder: why i am not good at deprivation.
i regret: not taking more ethics classes in college.
i love: trying to figure it out [fear and love don’t so much go together, i’ve been told].
i ache: in my stomache.
i care: to the point of being overwhelmed sometimes. i need to learn that i can’t do/be/fix it all.
i always: quadruple check my apartment before leaving for any appliances that may accidentally be on. 99.99% of the time nothing is on.
i am not: happy that i skipped out on the gym for most of the week.
i believe: turning 24 next week will not feel as weird as i’d imagined.
i dance: rarely. and not because i used to be southern baptist.
i sing: all the time in my car.
i cry: for all sorts of reasons.
i don’t always: wash my hair. i like it better the second [or third] day.
i fight: stubbornly, yet fairly. but rarely.
i write: when i am inspired.
i win: at bocce ball.
i lose: at board games and card games, alike.
i never: buy brand new books or cds, unless the sale price is cheaper than the used prices on amazon.com
i confuse: reality with fantasy on occasion.
i listen: to arrested development playing on my laptop while getting ready.
i can usually be found: not at home.
i am scared: of spiders and crickets.
i need: to figure out why i keep getting stomach aches.
i am happy about: today being my first consistent day of latte art [!] but not about the chunks of banana the 3 year old i am babysitting sneezed all over me at bed time. nope.
sometimes i have so much i want to say in this space. i write and write.
and then delete every single word.
[directions, if You please.]
Coming home at midnight when i have to be at work at 6:30am.
Coming home at midnight to see 4 police cars with lights blazing in my neighborhood.
Coming home and knowing that my chain link doesn’t. really. work.
[Its a good thing I don’t get scared to be alone. at night. in my apartment. really. Hi mom, if you happen to be reading this. Don’t worry. You have a tough daughter who still sort of remembers some kickboxing moves that could come in handy… and I never was one to take a spanking like a good, respectable child. No. I fought [more like flailed at] you guys to the point you gave up even trying. I still think I have those moves, too.]
Ginger posted what she is loving right now, and here are some of my own new found loves:
other things i am loving:
what about you?