February 25, 2008

Church. Community. Whatever you want to call it. It’s not been something I have been fond of for quite sometime. I’m more cynical. hesitant. unsure of its significance. doubtful that its possible… that people can be that real with each other. But, I’ve been participating, somewhat, in a local community here in town for a while now. Still not sure why. But I actually look forward to Sundays.

What continues to surprise me is that I have begun spending a significant part of the service in tears. A couple weeks ago I think it was maybe 30% of the service. But yesterday its a safe bet to say I was crying for about 90% of 75 minutes. I sat there trying to figure out just what it was that had struck me. I still am not sure. A couple shared their story of seeking intentional community. of experiencing a gift only to feel betrayed. of honesty and heart ache. of embracing a journey and letting go of expectations. and then at the end their baby [who played a significant role in the story] was sprinkled and welcomed into community. it was extremely beautiful and hope-giving.

i kept asking myself [and God] what was affecting me. Maybe it was their vulnerability. Their desire for intentional living. Their admission of heartsickness and anger. Their ability to eventually be okay. It was just so hopeful. I felt like maybe the coldness I have known for so long was possibly beginning to change. I haven’t known what this would look like. I am not sure how to even share it with those around me because it feels foreign. i am also hesitant to describe what i am experiencing for fear that it will sound trite or cliche. there is also a part of me that wonders if maybe i was just having “a day” and it was more me than anything else…

but i don’t know if i can pass it off that easily.

for so long i’ve just accepted life as completely gray. some would say i’ve embraced postmodernism. that i’ve become soft on absolute truth. i don’t really know. i do know its become a lot harder to define my beliefs. to define what i think is true. yet i anticipate sunday. i anticipate gathering with people that i don’t know. i anticipate acknowledging my brokenness and my inability to fix myself. of seeing love and hope faith played out in front of me… reminding me that i can know it.

and i think what struck me maybe was that i was reminded that i have known it. that there are moments i can look back on in my life where something happened inside me to compel me to action. where a teaching about Jesus affected me in a way that something significant changed within me and outside me. where the kingdom seemed already and not yet and i was participating instead of cowering.

i am so tired of stubbornly refusing to believe its possible. but i am also scared of the questions that linger. of how life will play out. of how to interact honestly with others and not be afraid of what they will think. i am scared to trust.

i will leave this post unresolved. its exactly how i feel… i don’t really know what to do next.


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