try, try again.

February 4, 2008

it was about this time last year that everything changed. all my plans, all the things i had anticipated doing with my life, the confidence i had in pursuing a vocation… the certainty that i knew myself and what i believe about how life works. not anymore. i had run from my doubts and questions for so long that it took moving across the country to realize i had no idea what the hell i was doing [but i could sure pretend to do it well, whatever it was].

to summarize [which is not a strength of mine]: i lost complete faith in the Christianity i had come to know.

what if this is all one huge cosmic joke and i have completely fallen for it? and if not, why does it feel that way?

my faith will never be what it was before i moved away. i don’t say this to be cynical or bitter. i actually say this in a peaceful state of hope [or hopeful state of peace… each sound about right]. my heart is not closed like it was when i found myself back in nashville last april. i still don’t have a ton of answers, but the journey isn’t so bleak or scary to me anymore. i welcome the conversations about faith instead of inwardly shutting down and blocking everything out. i am more careful with my words and when it comes to conversations about the answers to life’s big questions.

i do long for more. i hope for an encounter with Him that will move me further in the way of Love. Love for Him. for others. for myself, even. i found myself very overwhelmed at a local gathering this weekend as i prepared to take communion. some of it doesn’t make sense to me anymore, and if anything i guess i was simply aware of this fact and the questions i would be bringing to the table with me as i prepared to take the bread and cup.

i fumbled around in my bible, not really sure what i was looking for, but was reminded of a passage in john 16 for some reason.

take heart. i have overcome the world.

the latter part of the passage struck me and the tears flowed. i was thinking about how i don’t know much any more. i don’t understand the chaos and brokenness of the world. i try to imagine that i am slightly in tune with how Jesus would respond but then i get frustrated with others and especially with myself for missing the point so often. letting go for a moment was so freeing.

and this made me hopeful that i can let go again. and again. and again.

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