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January 1, 2008

i just deleted half of my post because i think it qualified as TMI for such a space as this. editing is good, right? 🙂

maybe its the fact that this holiday season went a bit differently than planned. maybe its the fact that i had way too much time on my hands over the past 2 weeks which is never healthy for anyone… but feelings of jadedness have been slightly overwhelming. do i think wallowing in this is a great idea? um, no. i really hate how it has affected various aspects of life. i do know i need to be learning something from it, even if its painful.

if anything i am realizing what i control freak i am. i think i wear the mask of going with the flow very well. i want to get to the bottom of why its so hard for me to give up control. i think in my idealistic ways, i am able to create scenarios for how i think things ought to/may work. reality seems to break into this, leading to disappointment that wouldn’t be so disappointing if i had just been patient and not tried to write my own endings. if i’d let time have its way.

i have so much to learn. there are so many things i’d like to become, so many characteristics i’d love to possess. these set backs just really make progress seem impossible. but they also help me see just where i know change needs to happen in my heart for progress to even be made.

i want to keep myself open to experiences that involve risk, that i know will help mold me into the woman i want to become… but right now, if i am honest, the thought is almost more unappealing than imagining a chronic upset stomach like the one i have from the single drink i consumed this evening.

2007. i made a few hard decisions between last christmas and this one and i do know i have grown and been challenged in ways i never would have had i not gone to vancouver, had i not then come home 4 months early. i still don’t really know what all to take from the many experiences of the past 12 months, but there are 12 new months ahead, full of many unexpected lessons and yes, even risks.

and it will be okay.

[and don’t worry, this space won’t start reading like a teenage girl’s personal diary.]

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