when people ask me my hobbies, i usually include running/exercising in the list. late in college i had a mild obsession, getting really into taking care of myself, only to get injured in late spring from a race. i guess i never fully recovered mentally. i keep going in phases, but i always profess to love it.
but this is sort of untrue right now. you see, the last time i ran was before i went home to nashville in december. this was over a month ago. i haven’t even stepped into my gym since then.
this fact is unsettling because not only do i profess to enjoy something so much as to include it as “a pursuit outside one’s regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation” but i have registered for two races here in vancouver that occur in april (a 10k) and may (a half-marathon).
i don’t enjoy running right now. in fact, the mere thought of putting on my running shoes isn’t the slightest bit relaxing. same with going to the gym. it sends me into such an anxious state that i have to sit on the couch and watch Friends to calm down. and eat terrible treats left over from a birthday party. just so everyone knows, lacey has a terrible time with discipline.
i am such a hypocrite. i profess to be about living healthily in all realms of life but right now i am in the most rebellious state ever and i am beginning to pay for it. i have no energy. i feel disgusting especially when i eat greasy foods. i have paid a bit of money to run in races that at this point i am not ready for.
i am not really sure why i am blogging about this. maybe just the fact that this struggle is posted for all to see will help me be aware of the discontentment i am experiencing right now and change will happen. health is important to me. running is [read: was] enjoyable to me. right now, i just find myself resentful of it. maybe because i don’t see the results that i want [and more so because i am not patient, am not trying hard enough, and/or have unrealistic expectations]. maybe its because of the weather here which is much more conducive for curling up with a blanket and a good book or movie. but i hate how i feel right now and even curling up to read or watch a movie doesn’t have the same satisfaction because i know its only a form of escapism.
lent is coming. i am really looking forward to that time and what God will do with me. I am not sure what needs to be given up, but i have a feeling it will have something to do with the state i find myself in right now; being entirely too undisciplined.
so, thats my confession. encouragement is not only appreciated, but entirely needed at this point. 🙂