Gray… my new black and white.

October 8, 2006

It’s Saturday night. I am here alone in my new place laying on my new (to me) queen bed which takes up about 75% of my new (to me) room. So, is this place home? Today it hasn’t felt like it mostly because of the meloncholy mood I have been in all day. I miss Tennessee.

(I have published this post about 5 times already, but I am starting over because the over-all tone was one of complaint and I really hated leaving it that way.)

Things seem kind of gray right now (except for the Pacific Northwest, which is somehow still hanging on to the sun). Maybe over the holiday weekend some of this conflictedness will go away… and the flea I just found in my bed better go away, too. I guess the cat that was here before me left some friends behind. Sick…

Strangely, the more I feel like complaining and being hopeless, there is this part of me that has realized even in the last several minutes that resolving to feel hopeless means I am taking things into my own hands and denying one of the greatest things I am given as a child of God. Hope.

So in light of this, I will say here is where I am at right now. I am completely at a loss for how to spend my time here in Vancouver. I majored in Christian Studies because I enjoyed it, not because I necessarily saw it as a practical step in any specific vocational direction (and besides, I am a girl, there is no way this degree could be practical…. right? eh, that is for another post at another time). My passions seem really gray right now. And I am also wondering if the poison of sloth has crept into my life, not having much routine. Now, I realize being a part of a church plant is not the same as working in a church with programs and narrowly-defined ministries. Its quite flexible and quite unstructured… I don’t have to apologize to anyone for this, but I guess there is a part of me that feels like I should be busier somehow. Enter the possibility of volunteer work.

Since I already stated I don’t know where I see myself heading vocationally (aside from the whole being “called to the ministry” when I was 14… whatever that means), this has made me really frustrated in the whole volunteer process. I have no idea what I want to do. So I do nothing. Again, maybe sloth is lurking.

On a more exciting note, Kyle has asked me to head up a new small group for the church, which will meet on Wednesday nights starting 10/18. Where is this heading? I have no idea.

So what conclusions do I have after this post?

1: I am frustrated
2: Everything seems gray and fuzzy
3. I think I am experiencing slothfulness
4: I have no ideas or direction as far as volunteering or leading a small group
5: I am hopeful

Now, to see how hope will permeate itself makes me hopeful indeed.

You speak to us in all things, O God,
in the rising of the sun and its setting,
in dreams of the night and the encounters of day.
Let us know you in the whole of life,
in both the blessings and the betrayals of our lives…

…may your mercy come quickly to meet us, for we are in desperate need.
psalm 79:8


3 Responses to “Gray… my new black and white.”

  1. shaunna Says:

    hope, hmmm…here’s a verse i’ve been meditating on…”To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ IN you, the HOPE of glory!” Colossians 1:27
    i am so glad the Spirit reminded you that we have hope. i am praying that you will tap into the fullness of Christ as you are in this fuzzy gray! i know that you are venturing into new depths…as the mystery grows, so may the love of Christ you experience!

  2. Jeffrey Says:

    unfortunately, part of the baggage that comes with growing up in the institution of the church is that feeling that being is nothing without doing.

    Jesus, however, taught that being IS doing. Sad that we, myself included, have a difficult time seeing and believing that.

    man that Shaunna person who commented before me is one smart cookie. I bet she’s HOTT! *snicker snicker*

  3. ginger Says:

    girl… i can relate! but in a different situation, of course. and i, too, miss tennessee, especially in the fall. the season lasts like 2 flippin weeks in texas!

    this weekend i’ve been meditating on isaiah 52… still studying it and digging around, but it’s been so encouraging.

    you’re in my prayers-i think about you all the time!

    the church i’m going to out here is amazing-you should check out the sermon podcasts if you have time… i think you’d love it. not sure if you’ve ever heard matt chandler, but he is one amazing pastor! tonights’ message TOTALLY hit home, but i don’t think it’ll be posted until tuesday.

    love you much, my sweet sister!

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