Hide and Seek

September 18, 2006

[I sure hope blogging is an acquired taste, because I really have a hard time getting into it. Hopefully this post will help spur me on…]

Today was the first time I cried. Okay, well that is not entirely true, but almost. I have only cried two other times since getting here, when I called two of my close friends just hearing their voices started the waterworks. I was not sad either time I made the phone calls, but I think it dawned on me as they answered that I was a lot farther away from them this time around.

So, that brings me to today. Kyle and Kristin use Monday’s as their Sabbath days. Days to read, reflect… do things that don’t involve scheduling and phoning and other work-related tasks. Last night a few of us from church helped a guy (also from church) out with a concert he was promoting. It was fun, but at about midnight I was ready to be out of there, mainly so I could get to bed and enjoy my Sabbath day, from waking early to going to bed late, I was looking forward to Monday.

I woke up at 11:45 with Kristin knocking on my door inviting me to a celebration lunch for my soon-to-be roommate who just landed her first (and pretty nice I may add) post-graduate job Yes, that is right. I slept in almost 3 hours more than I had planned. I was SO disappointed. Mainly with myself, who still sucks at time management (after getting back last night I played on here for a bit which is probably another reason I slept in), and because I so badly wanted today. All of it. So because of this, I cried, and stayed on the verge of tears for most of the afternoon. I did a good job of hiding it at lunch and at the coffee shop we went to afterwards where I did get to listen to a sermon, which put a lot of things into perspective.

Rob Bell had some interesting things to say- he talked about Peter and John and Jacob and Esau. In each case, there was one who sought the identity of the other, or at least questioned why things had to be different for them. Envy was a theme in the sermon and I could talk about a variety of things related to the talk, but a verse that stuck out to me from Job: “Anger slays the foolish man, and jealousy kills the simple”

Bell said that simple in this case referred to being unreflective; being in a place where you have no idea what is going on inwardly… where you don’t think to ask the “why” questions… so that when an emotion like jealousy or anger comes up, its unmanageable. It kills. I wonder how many other things kill us on a daily basis because we haven’t stopped to ask why we feel certain ways? Why do we want the lives of others? Why do we question our own paths, our talents and giftings?

So, to bring it all back… it made me wonder why I got so upset today. Aside from being really ticked off at myself for going to bed so late… why was I so bent out of shape about messing up my day? If I am honest with myself, its because I want to feel and be known right now. I especially desire that with Jesus. I wanted so badly to go to that hiding place today with Him, but it didn’t happen quite how I had hoped. I don’t feel very honest with myself or with Him. I think being in a new place has helped me to see my desire to be known magnified, but has also served in helping me bury the desire inside, because its easy to keep those desires from people you don’t know very well.

I needed to hear that today; that being unreflective is harmful to the soul. It keeps you from truly seeing what is behind the way you act and think and feel. What about you? How have you felt lately? How are you responding to life? Have you stopped to ask why, to reflect on what’s going on inside you? Reconcile those things and then… Live freely from a heart that is alive and not covered over with band-aids and pat answers.


3 Responses to “Hide and Seek”

  1. *thelongbrake Says:

    my goal right now (and has been for awhile) is to be who i was made to be, which is a process.

  2. Lacey Says:

    yeah, i try to tell people that but it seems like they want more specifics šŸ™‚

  3. Rebekah Says:

    Thanks for sharing. God’s been teaching me this kind of truth for a while…good to have a reminder. I’m glad I can keep in touch with you here. Praying for you!

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