[sweet] disposition

Hello friends. [I assume there are still a few people who lurk here occasionally!]

I’ve found myself in a season that can only be described as transitional. I don’t know what I am transitioning to just yet, but its been a very exciting and also frustrating time. School isn’t looking to pan out just yet, and after a few days of deep disappointment I am alright with this. I have decided to pursue some internships [even unpaid] and am taking my time filling out applications. Not many have come along that I am excited about, but I am starting the process of looking. No one has to even guess the cities I am looking at which could pose some issues financially, but I think I am okay with taking a few risky chances come January.

Of course, no one knows just what could happen and I don’t hold my fingers too tightly over all my random ideas. Yet.

Meanwhile when things were getting super stressful I decided [in typical fashion] to book a trip. Some good friends of mine in NYC moved to Queens recently and extended an invitation to come visit their new home. Timing has it that Taylor is off work this month and so after some coordination we worked out a visit later this month. I haven’t taken much time off in a while and I am soooo ready.

Interesting to think that my trip to NYC is occurring almost a year to the day i was there for some post-heartbreak therapy. This time, while still therapeutic in nature, it will not be the same type of visit and I am happy about that. I am compiling a list of everything I hope to do, including a visit to a few vegan bakeries and eateries, running in Central Park, Gimme Coffee, and going back to Brooklyn’s thrift stores.

My coffee is getting cold so thats it for now. Cross your fingers for me as I navigate the upcoming months!

say what you need to say

i’m fairly certain that bugs will eat me alive tonight thanks to a window accidentally being left open all day. i’ve never done well with bugs here in nashville. ever. but this summer seems especially rough as i am awake at 1:30 am and taking benadryl to help me sleep.

writing in the space has been difficult because i tend to only want to write about the experiences of growth and non-growth [i know that's not a word, but it makes sense in my head] i’ve had over the past 6 months. and since i am a fairly open person, i try to write without saying too much and its far too difficult. being cryptic is not a gift i possess, i suppose. so while i have written here a few times over the past couple months, i’ve deleted most to spare you all from my streams of consciousness. you’re welcome.

after the wedding i was a part of last weekend, i feel like i’ve entered a new phase of progress and it been so freeing. thank god. memories are double-edged swords and while i recall things still daily, it’s just… different. i remember with much more detachment, if that makes sense.

being surrounded by so many girls who were married or about to be, i found myself extremely happy about where i am in life. it seems weird to say that, but its true. its not to say i don’t want that experience, but i just am comfortable with where i am and do not feel the need to control that part of my life after trying so damn hard to make it work in the past. i have many other things i can control which are more than enough to be focusing on. i will try to gear my future posts to such things. i feel certain i will have more to share as vague ideas are starting to take more tangible form.

look[ed] like the real thing. all the time/all the time.

i didn’t realize the significant of the date until i actually came to my blog and considered what to say.

4 months is a long while. not long enough that i do not have the occasional emotional jolt. but long enough to not remember the details like breathing. not long enough to not still experience that occasional moment of morbid curiosity. but long enough that i’ve learned who will give me the dose of Reality needed to let those moments pass [there are different who's, that is for sure].

*

there are a lot of hurting people, as a friend and i discussed this week. i want to become more intuned to those around me who need what i needed so often in the last several months. i really want to be a better friend. a better listener. better at loving.

and i have a feeling i will always want to be better. will always need to be better.

thoughts on grocery shopping

its so strange to think back to the times when i bought groceries or ate food without a thought of any kind as to what was in it or where it came from. the challenge of becoming vegetarian turned into an entirely new lifestyle and one i completely enjoy… many of my friends are always curious about what i eat, so i thought i’d share what grocery shopping is like for me.

i generally go to whole foods. i am aware that not everyone believes they can afford to shop at whole foods, but i believe its possible. it may be because i am only shopping for myself, but i am able to make 2-3 meals out of whatever i cook. so, it goes a long way and i cut back on eating out, which is another bonus. i occasionally go to trader joes or kroger, but usually this is only for certain things that i know are cheaper or if i am being a little lazy about driving.

i almost always go with 2 recipes in mind that i want to eat for the week. tonight i wanted to make zucchini and black bean tacos and then also try sweet potato and black bean quesadillas with guacamole as well in the next couple of days. i got what i needed and then moved on to more of my staples: tempeh [for quick stir fry or to possibly add to either recipe], a little granola for my [soy] yogurts, some fruit, sprouted grain english muffins and pita pockets, hummus, no salt peanut butter that i grind at the store, a few dried fruit and nut bars, and some “treats” like a kombucha, salsa and blue corn chips and also some vegan chocolate chips for baking [and the occasional by-the-handful treat].

grocery shopping is kind of therapeutic for me. it gets my mind off of things and i could walk around for hours. i think i could actually go on a date to whole foods [is that weird? probably a little.]

i am approaching the two year mark and honestly, i don’t think i will ever eat meat again. here are a few things that i’ve realized i get super weird about now:

if i am at a cook-out, i request my own tiny space on the grill for whatever i brought. i just don’t like the idea of my veggie burger or vegetables being cooked on top of where a burger laid. and the spatula… i totally make sure cross-contamination is avoided

i get anxiety when the possibility of cooking meat crosses my mind. i decided i wanted to cook a recipe with meat in it for someone i dated. as silly as it may sound, i thought it was a way for me to show love in a sacrificial way and while it was something i assumed i would never do again, i totally considered it. he didn’t understand the underlying reasons as to why i offered and brushed off the idea, so i never did it. [and, well, let's just say i am thankful for that.]

if i have kids, i really don’t want them to eat meat [going back to the whole anxiety thing]. i know it won’t entirely be up to me and i also would never force it if they were not happy.

so, anyway, i got asked a few questions about my eating habits while visiting family and thought i’d put this out there!

and, a teeny little vent: i don’t know why anyone thinks if there is meat in something, i should just “pick around it.” there, i said it.

put down your sword/lay with [M]e on the grass

Where are you finding sacredness?

The genius of the biblical revelation is that we will come to God through what I’m going to call “the actual,” the here and now, or quite simply what is.

The Bible moves us from sacred place (why the temple had to go) or sacred action (why the Law had to be relativized) or mental belief systems (why Jesus has no prerequisites in this regard) to time itself as sacred time.

“I am with you always, yes, to the very end of time” is the last verse of Matthew’s Gospel.

……

How have ordinary moments transformed me?

As Eckhart Tolle points out in The Power of Now, we don’t have to be in a certain place or even a perfect person to experience the fullness of God. God is always given, incarnate in every moment and present to those of us who know how to be present ourselves.

Strangely enough, it is often imperfect people and people in quite secular settings who encounter “The Presence” (Parousia, “fullness”). That pattern is rather clear in the whole Bible.

Let’s state it clearly: One great idea of the biblical revelation is that God is manifest in the ordinary, in the actual, in the daily, in the now, in the concrete incarnations of life, and not through purity codes and moral achievement contests, which are seldom achieved anyway

…..

How do we live in the moment?

Let us be present to the now.
It’s all we have and it’s where God will always speak to us.
The now holds everything, rejects nothing and,
therefore, can receive God, too.
Help us be present to the place we’re most afraid of,
because it always feels empty, it always feels boring,
it always feels like it’s not enough.
Help us find some space within that we don’t try to fill
with ideas or opinions.
Help us to create inner space,
because you always show yourself best where we are
hungry and empty.
Keep us out of the way,
so there is always room enough for you.

Amen.

//Richard Rohr

363

where is the reason? don’t blame it on me.
blame it on my wild heart.

[i think the heart broke long ago. thats when i needed you.]

i’m leaving.
you say i don’t even know how to start.

//

i’m looking for a little more than a drink and a walk up the street. i’ve got something more in mind…
you walk the world but most of what you’re looking for is under your nose.

f#$k!

when its quiet at work, i usually try to sneak in a few practice attempts at perfecting a rosetta.
we have a little event coming up in nashville which my co-workers and i will be participating in, and if any one knows me at all, i am ridiculously hard on myself and slightly competitive. honestly, i don’t want to win, i just want to actually make something that looks good.

i found this video tonight that made me laugh out loud. i thought i was the only one who cussed my [failed] attempts.

food, inc.

most people who know me know the food industry is something i have strong opinions regarding. i increasingly desire to become vegan, but its been hard to commit as i am equally concerned with being as low-maintenance as possible in social situations. [however, i think its inevitably going to happen the better i get at cooking and baking with non-dairy ingredients.]

anyway, seeing just the trailer for this new film ignited those convictions once again. for those of you interested in ways to experiment with changing the food culture in America, check this list out and try to see the movie if it comes your way. its a great list to experiment with, for sure, if you’ve not given this topic much thought or don’t really know where to begin in changing your lifestyle.

i am not necessarily promoting being meat/dairy-free, but just want people to be aware of what their choices actually mean for themselves, their families, the general public, the animals, the farmers, the food scientists, and the over-all direction our country is headed regarding food [or, shall i say, "food".]

in the air

[you're] all grown up this time.
[you] swear. [swore?]

at least [you] lie differently when [i] seem[ed] so nice.

the best is yet to be

this is exactly how i feel right now. its such a weird place to be; to hurt and yet to be so content at the same time.

a paradox
Which comforts while it mocks,—
Shall life succeed in that it seems to fail:
What I aspired to be,
And was not, comforts me

rabbi ben ezra//robert browning