this is exactly how i feel right now. its such a weird place to be; to hurt and yet to be so content at the same time.
a paradox
Which comforts while it mocks,—
Shall life succeed in that it seems to fail:
What I aspired to be,
And was not, comforts me
rabbi ben ezra//robert browning
i am turning off the edit button in my head for this one.
//love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don’t want it
//love is a giving away of power
//love is giving up control. love and controlling power are mutually exclusive
//there is something about losing yourself to another and their losing themselves in you at the same time… if one holds back, if one refrains, it doesn’t work.
do you realize that you are worth dying for?
____
God has placed several strong women in my life who have been exactly what i need at this moment. Seriously. The Strength I am Experiencing is certainly nothing I can find on my own. I sometimes sit back and even question how possible it is to know such a thing in such a short amount of time. Moments come where I find myself clinging to thoughts that only lead to darkness, but I don’t settle there. I know my value and beauty now more than ever.
Tonight when i told one of these such women the couple statements that have slipped back into my head at times she said something that brought even more clarity and peace.
“i can’t do this for you really just means i can’t do this.”
it’s not me.
and believing this has made all the difference.
and reading this in the days/weeks/whatever-time-needed will be what brings Restoration when those other thoughts serve to steal the joy that is always presently available to me.
I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say-
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.
Words For It//Julia Cameron
[ht: mackenzie rollins]
i finally can do laundry at my own place. i am on my second load and its literally the most symbolic, therapeutic event possible for me right now.
it feels really good right now to make things a-new.
i cut this out a couple weeks ago from a Starbucks cup and made it into a magnet for our fridge. i believe it to be completely true.
The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.
